Ted's Journal
[Most Recent Entries]
[Calendar View]
[Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Ted's LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
| Wednesday, November 11th, 2015 | | 12:14 am |
So I was hanging out with a time traveler yesterday (well, "yesterday" -- you know how it is with those folks) and I mentioned the MIT 2005 Time Traveler Convention. And how they only ever needed to have one such convention, since all the time travelers could attend it. She gave a good-natured laugh and said, "Actually, we already did that in 1893 in Chicago. Sorry." "How did you avoid wrecking history?" I asked. She looked a little guilty. "We kind of wrecked history. We weren't supposed to introduce commemorative coins, cream of wheat, cream of what, Pabst Blue Ribbon, pancake mix, Braille printers, electric third rails, zippers, squashed pennies, the Ferris Wheel, dishwashers, phosphorescent lamps, spraypainting, hula dancing, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, switchboards, night football, modern Viking ships, the Parliament of World Religions, or the solar antelope spawnpoint, but we were clumsy with time travel and it kinda happened anyway." "What about the waffle cone?" I added. "That was the 1904 World Expo, actually, when we came back to clean up the solar antelope spawnpoint." "So, what was the future going to be like before we got all that stuff by accident from the Chicago World's Fair?" She punched me in the arm gently and laughed again. Okay, okay, fair enough. | | Friday, August 14th, 2015 | | 1:23 pm |
I have a conundrum! At first I was excited to have a conundrum, until I realized that it was a problem and not some kind of ice cream novelty treat. Now I'm looking for a solution instead. My conundrum is this: Today is of course Take Your Country's Thirteenth President To Work Day. I'd like to participate. But Millard Fillmore is very busy because everyone here has the same 13th president and also because he is dead. What do I do?
What do I do?
Repopulate myself to France and bring Gaston Doumergue (who is also dead)
1(5.0%)
Repopulate myself to Brazil and bring Washington Luis (who is also also dead)
1(5.0%)
Repopulate myself to Mexico and bring Valentin Canalizo (who is very dead)
0(0.0%)
Bring Tony Blair and hope no one notices (he is busy and was never a president)
1(5.0%)
Repopulate myself to Sealand and shrug helplessly
2(10.0%)
Change jobs because something is wrong with this place
3(15.0%)
This is a stupid event and no one else is participating either
0(0.0%)
Oh, hey, the thirteenth president of the Phillippines (Joseph Estrada) is still alive
9(45.0%)
Other (in comments)
3(15.0%)
| | Sunday, August 9th, 2015 | | 7:51 pm |
| | Wednesday, August 5th, 2015 | | 12:43 pm |
"Those who think they can, and those who think they can't," my old coach used to tell me, "are both still thralls of the Infinite Triple Ghoul King." To his credit, he kept us running pretty darn fast. But how do you even triple infinity? | | Saturday, May 30th, 2015 | | 12:26 pm |
"A poisonous breakfast is the most important meal of your last day," the asp told me with a menacing hiss. My general rule is Always trust a talking snake, so I'm sure this is legit, but I can't help but to feel skeptical about something there. Maybe it's just that asps aren't native to California? | | Saturday, March 28th, 2015 | | 2:39 pm |
"We've updated our slogan from REDUCE - REUSE - RECYCLE to add REVENANT at the end, to make our program more zombie-friendly." "You do realize that zombies are fictional, right?" I replied. "Oh yeah? Well, you're fictional." No one has ever accused me of such a thing before. | | Tuesday, November 25th, 2014 | | 6:49 pm |
The Quit-Once Problem Tower
It was a tower of clear plastic, or clear something like plastic, all in tubes, twisting and turning and intersecting, some ten stories high. The sun caught my eye uncomfortably as I looked up at the tower, but I saw billows, and twisting joints, and smoke or steam from a dozen vents. Inside those tubes were snakes of different sizes and breeds: some dozing in the sun, some coiled around a steaming vent, some crawling about seeking a new place to hide. Thousands of snakes, their movement and stillness forming a sort of machinery of its own. I asked the inventor, āWhat the Sam Hill is this thing?ā He cleared his throat and thought a bit before he answered. āThe best thing a person can do in modern America to extend their lifespan is to stop smoking, right?ā he asked me. āSure,ā I said, āI guess.ā I mean, technically the best thing you can do is to refrain from jumping off a bridge this instant or something, or maybe to get yourself a new robot body, but I was willing to go with the context of his premise for now. āThe only problem is,ā he continued, āitās not something that non-smokers can do. And if you start smoking again you lose all those benefits. So you can only do it once. This machine is designed to fix that.ā āTo allow you to quit smoking multiple times and gain the same life extending benefits each time?ā āThatās the plan.ā āI donāt think statistics work that way,ā I told him. He crossed his arms defensively. āThatās just your opinion.ā āWhy snakes?ā I asked. He kept his arms crossed. āWell, there are four kinds of problems in this world: problems you probably canāt solve using snakes, problems you can maybe solve using snakes, problems you can definitely solve using snakes, and problems that you canāt solve without snakes. The quit-once problem is definitely in the fourth category. So here we are.ā I donāt think problems work that way, either. And neither does Sam Hill. | | Thursday, October 16th, 2014 | | 11:13 pm |
Domestic Advice Needed!
I have decided, for the first time in my life, that I would prefer my clothes to be soft. How do I do this?
The best fabric softener is...
non-recursion-limited self-replicating nano-assembly bots.
5(13.5%)
not wearing glass.
4(10.8%)
the swift hammer of justice.
4(10.8%)
the worst fabric hardener.
3(8.1%)
the Carno Heat Engine.
1(2.7%)
the San Francisco Giants!!!
2(5.4%)
Other. (Please specify below.)
4(10.8%)
Thanks in advance! | | Saturday, October 4th, 2014 | | 2:01 am |
Got a response about my manuscript!
Dear Sir and/or Madam,
We have received and read your manuscript submission of Weaponized Venn Diagrams, and found that there was a great deal of good and original work within.
Nothing that was good was original, but somehow, some of what was original was also good. We do not know how you did that. We are worried that you are breaking set theory completely. This is a cease and desist notice - please stop destroying logic with your dangerous floating circles of inclusion, or we will be forced to take serious legal and ontological action.
You have thirty seconds to comply.
Sincerely,
Traditional Publishers
P.S. That Sir and/or Madam thing in the intro is probably your fault too. Current Mood: accomplished | | Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014 | | 11:17 pm |
"This ain't my first rodeo," he said with a confident swagger. I shuffled awkwardly. "Actually, this is a wig factory, not a rodeo at all." He hung his head sheepishly. "This is actually my first non-rodeo," he admitted. | | Friday, September 12th, 2014 | | 6:10 pm |
If text fonts were people...
As you might know, I have been spending the past few months making a concerted effort not to do anything story-worthy. My theory is that a happy life is one devoid of narrative value. I would tell you more about it, but that would ruin it. But today, I was walking along the embarcadero and saw a person there, head in his hands, wallowing in despair. "I used to be a font, you know," he said to me when I gave him a concerned look, "Now I'm a person. How did that happen? What does that even mean? I don't know. It's claustrophobic here, being in only a single body rather than a broad swath of text. I had a purpose then, clean and simple; now I'm plagued with a terrifying maze of needs and possibilities." "What font were you?" I asked him. I was working under the assumption that the traits that the font had would in some way be reflected afterwards into parallel human traits, perhaps to humorous effect. He told me what font he was, but I didn't recognize it. "Of course you don't recognize it," he said, "If you did, I would still be out there. As a font. As I should be." "Were you san serif?" I asked, because that's about the only thing I could think to say. He just shook his head sadly. "I would like to go back to being a font," he said, slumping back down again. Current Mood: Courier | | Sunday, July 27th, 2014 | | 12:15 am |
Under the Shade of a Coolibah Tree
So I have been following Waltzing Mathilda interpretations lately. The general interpretation is that it's a story about a swagman (a migrant worker) who goes waltzing Mathilda (traveling with his bedroll) to a billabong (a deep pool), then drowns himself rather than getting arrested for poaching a jumbuck (a sheep) by the troopers (police) who were called by the squatter to the squatter (landowner). When writing the song, Banjo Patterson used a combination of Australian hobo slang and native Wiradjuri terms, presumably to give a sense of national identity. But there are plenty of different scholarly interpretations! There must be! Academics rarely make their name by publishing "I agree with the traditional interpretation!" And that's probably a good thing! Some of these interpretations are to add historical context: that it was a socialist rallying song, or the death of Samuel "Frenchy" Hofstadter at Combo Lake, or maybe a tea commercial. Some say that a swagman is a kind of giant goblin bogeymonster, and that it was stealing a jumbuck (a domestic hygeine robot) from the squatter (horse-mounted outhouse) by the billabong (giant glass sculpture). Others say that the swagman (a T-shirt and coffee mug distributor) was camped out by the billabong (sales convention) and grabbed a jumbuck (excellent merchanizing contract). But why research these things when you can just make up your own facts and translations of words in other peoples' languages that you're not in any way qualified to discuss? It's time for the home game!
The song is about a "swagman" (which means:
) who goes waltzing Mathilda (which means
) and finds a jumbuck (which means
) by a billabong (which means
) but then he's accosted by a squatter (which means
) and jumps into the billabong. The whole thing is one big
national Australian anthem.
0(0.0%)
science fiction epic.
0(0.0%)
retro heist story.
0(0.0%)
socialist rallying cry.
1(11.1%)
political allegory.
0(0.0%)
encoded treasure map.
0(0.0%)
Scottish marching song.
0(0.0%)
abandoned blogging site.
0(0.0%)
coming-of-age story.
1(11.1%)
ninja instruction manual.
0(0.0%)
punk rock predecessor.
0(0.0%)
misunderstanding.
0(0.0%)
Dutch sailing tune.
0(0.0%)
4/4 waltzing song.
0(0.0%)
ironic paradigm.
1(11.1%)
Kickstarter fundraiser.
0(0.0%)
merchandizing contract.
0(0.0%)
unstoppable battle robot.
0(0.0%)
frosty milkshake.
0(0.0%)
fat Greek wedding.
0(0.0%)
tapeworm epidemic.
0(0.0%)
mosquito rallying cry.
0(0.0%)
Arduino configuration guide.
2(22.2%)
Lovecraftian grimoir.
0(0.0%)
secret horror show.
1(11.1%)
Livejournal entry.
1(11.1%)
cyborg manifesto.
0(0.0%)
| | Monday, July 7th, 2014 | | 8:37 pm |
"SORRY WE'RE OPEN" the sign outside the gourmet panini place said, "FOLLOW YOURSELF ON INSTAGRAM." This neighborhood am going all Htrae on me now that I'm new here. | | Tuesday, June 17th, 2014 | | 3:02 pm |
The First Law of Thermodynamics is you don't talk about Thermodynamics. | | Tuesday, June 10th, 2014 | | 10:54 pm |
Guys, level with me.
Did I really pass the Turing test for this long, or have you all just been being polite because you didn't want to hurt my "feelings" or something? | | Monday, May 5th, 2014 | | 8:42 pm |
The Game Of Love
The purpose of a man is to be a panda, sang the music from the apartment above as I walked by along the historically significant but otherwise forgotten city street, And the purpose of a panda is to be a man. I was not sure I had misheard those lyrics, so I knocked on the door to ask about it, because apparently I interpret misheard song lyrics as an acceptable reason to knock on someone's door. I wondered if perhaps a panda would answer the door. Anyway, I went upstairs and now I am stranded in a distant jungle. Please send cartographers, rescue pandas, and attractive photographer's vests. I need to get back home. Current Mood: Stranded | | Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014 | | 3:36 pm |
I love Big Brother, and I cannot lie. | | Sunday, April 6th, 2014 | | 7:52 pm |
So, there is a They Might Be Giants song with the lyrics "You're older than you've ever been, and now you're even older" and of course those lyrics are always up to date. But there's a second verse with the lyrics "This day will soon be at an end, and now it's even sooner, and now it's even sooner" and that line is not always timely. So I traveled to Grenwich, England (just to be sure) and played the song just right so midnight strikes just before the first "and now it's even sooner." You know, to see if the song will update. Anyway, the Time Police picked me up and now I'm in Time Jail until someone posts bail. Could someone please post bail of one penny? Before January 1, 1970? Thanks. At least I didn't try it while jumping back and forth on the International Date Line. That would have resulted in a [REDACTED BY TIME POLICE TO AVOID A TEMPORAL ANOMALY]. | | Tuesday, December 10th, 2013 | | 1:32 am |
Living Document
They said it was a living document...
They had no idea how horrifyingly true that would be...CONSTITUTION: THE AWAKENING In theatres soon. | | Wednesday, May 8th, 2013 | | 1:40 pm |
This morning I washed my face with hand soap, and my hands with face soap. I think that I am typing with my nose right now, but I can't tell. Current Mood: inverted? |
[ << Previous 20 ]
|
