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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Wednesday, May 8th, 2013|
This morning I washed my face with hand soap, and my hands with face soap.
I think that I am typing with my nose right now, but I can't tell
. Current Mood: inverted?
|Wednesday, March 6th, 2013|
|Tuesday, February 26th, 2013|
I have a malicious little Japanese goblin-spirit inhabiting all the hot chilies in my house.
My problem is this: I'm worried it will get offended and curse me if I call it the small pepper oni
|Wednesday, February 6th, 2013|
|Unified Intelligence Theory
"But here's the thing," I said, as calmly as I could, "There is a big difference between Book Smarts and Street Smarts."
"We are aware," the council replied, "which is why we plan to pave our streets with books."
|Tuesday, January 22nd, 2013|
In the end times, some hens will upload and become henbots. Other hens will chicken out.
|Monday, December 10th, 2012|
|Three Simple Rules For A Healthy, Happy Relationship, No Matter Who You Are
When you shrink a donkey, you get a burrito. When you enlarge a burrito, you get a super burrito.Rule Two
When you shrink a burrito, you get a taquito. When you enlarge a taquito, you get a taco.Rule Three
When you enlarge a donkey, something something American politics cleverness. When you shrink a taquito, something something using string theory to reconcile relativity with quantum mechanics.
* * * * *
Please, use the comments section below to share your story about how these three simple rules have changed your life.
|Wednesday, December 5th, 2012|
As you all know, this LiveJournal is primarily a place to talk about U.S. economic policy.
I am very excited about the fictional Panetta/Burns Debt Reduction Plan
. In a recent poll, 8% of Americans were in favor, and 17% were against, despite the plan being fictional and made up by pollsters.
Panetta/Burns Debt Reduction Plan
Open to: All
, detailed results viewable to: All
, participants: 25
Are you in favor or against? (If you have no opinion, pick the way you'd be most likely to lean.)
Since the plan is fictional, please propose one line item for the plan.
|Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012|
As you may already know, I am in favor of mad science.
So I bought that device that scans your brain for ideas and creates them as tiny monsters. You know, the one the mad scientist is selling on Kickstarter.
Who could know that this could go wrong?
Well, it turns out I have some bad ideas. These ideas turned into monsters, and those monsters turned green with envy and then attacked in sheer apoplectic fury!
Well, I did what I could. I pulled out my hypnosomnic ray and tried to zap those thought-monsters to sleep. Well, they turned invisible to try to be harder to hit. So I handed off my hypnosomnic ray to the little monster made from my delusion that I was a much better shot than I actually was. Sharpshooter!
Now those envious invisible monsters are all sleep, still angry.
Go team! Colorless green ideas sleep furiously!
|Tuesday, October 2nd, 2012|
As you may already know, I am in favor of thinking.
I've been doing one of those special regimens to help you organize your thoughts and improve your memory and so on. Each thought and memory is associated with a particular location in a grand palace, based on the overall topic.
From there, thoughts are divided into colors. Long strings to memorize (like quotes and phone numbers) are blue, for instance, and emotional memories are light brown. Methods or orders of operation are purple, reminders to do things are green, stories yellow, and mistakes that I want to avoid repeating are red.
When a thought or memory turns out to be false, you turn it invisible. So, for instance, if someone tells your a phone number, and then tells you a new phone number, the old one fades to transparent.
The problem I'm having is this: sometimes I'll get a reminder of something I need to do, like "check that the stove is off" or "wash my hands", and it will keep nagging me even when I'm done. I try to turn those obsessive thoughts transparent, and they go temporarily dormant, but I can feel an anger building up in me as I try to suppress my obsessive-compulsive behavior. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
|Monday, October 1st, 2012|
As you may already know, I am in favor of the humans species.
I had an idea today about product coloration. So, in most cases, companies that sell products put colors in them to give them a competitive market advantage -- so that people will buy their product instead of another because of appealing color. But! This coloration uses natural resources.
If all the product makers just stopped using product coloration, they would be at no relative competitive disadvantage, and use less resources! I believe that this would be a very "green" change.
However, I'm not in any position to make this happen, and that makes me extremely angry. But I don't want to spend my life just being angry, so I can't keep thinking about it. Maybe someday, I'll be able to do something about that.
Until then, I just put thoughts like this to bed. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
|Monday, September 17th, 2012|
"So, we're having a problem that the guys who do the road signs sometimes miss a lot of details," he said, "So we've decided to mark those zones so drivers will know to be extra careful."
I always get confused when people suggest drivers be extra careful. Should they be less careful in other places? Why not mark those areas as RECKLESS OKAY or something?
But I digress.
"So," he continued, "We put up a lot of signs for those areas that say NOT A THOROUGH STREET."
"But this sign says NOT A THROUGH STREET. I think they missed a letter," I said.
He just shook his head, disappointed but not surprised.
|Tuesday, August 7th, 2012|
|Wednesday, July 25th, 2012|
John just sat at his desk, slack-jawed, clicking mouse buttons and reading intently.
"He went Wiki-Surfing on Monday and hasn't resurfaced yet," his wife told me, "I am going to go in after him. I think he started by looking up Bad Boy on the Beatles VI
album. I'm going to go in and try to follow his trail and bring him back to safety. I think maybe he's researching St. Patrick's Battalion
now. Or maybe Neurotheology
. I'm not sure, but I need to follow his trail."
"And what about me?" I asked. Because hey, ten bucks is ten bucks, right?
"I just need you to stand here and hold the other end of the rope tether around my waist while I try to find him. If I don't resurface within twelve hours, pull on the rope to drag me away from the monitor."
|Friday, July 13th, 2012|
|Only one can survive
Here's my pitch for a new show:
In one corner of the yard, you plant some bamboo. In the other corner, you plant some blackberries.
Then, record them taking over the yard and play it back in slow-motion with voice-overs and commentary. The fight scene when they meet in the middle will be epic.
|Thursday, July 5th, 2012|
|My Swelling Heart
My super origin story: A bee got into the operating room during open heart surgery, and I was stung on the upper left ventricle.
|Wednesday, June 27th, 2012|
"CAT COURT REOPENS CASE," the headline read, "CURIOSITY EXONERATED BASED ON NEW EVIDENCE."
|Thursday, June 14th, 2012|
Here's my plan: I'm going to get a hold of those new Google Glasses with the projector screen.
Then I'll get some facial pattern recognition software and have one in twenty faces replaced with creepy alien zombie masks in the glasses.
Then I'll get some other optical character recognition software, and have all advertisements say things like CONSUME AND REPRODUCE.
Then I'll try to convince you to put the glasses on.
|Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012|
This place has Baby Changing Stations in all the restrooms.
And don't get me wrong -- that's great -- it's just that my infant niece is now an ocelot.
|Tuesday, May 15th, 2012|
|Friday, May 11th, 2012|
I don't know if I've mentioned this, but my neighborhood (you know, the one I've lived in for the past 11 years) seems to have a lot of mad scientists.
I don't know why. So I was knocking door-to-door this week to ask them all.
The fifth house I checked was surprising. It was like a greenhouse, but with huge factory clockwork gears built into the architecture and churning and creaking all over, and hundreds of baby animals frolicking about playing with brightly-colored toys. There were Greek pillars and alchemy tubes and ancient stone tablets littered around the place among all the indoor flowers and trees.
Now, I'm used to the scientists who make giant robots, or time machines, or AI computers that will turn against their creators, or that sort of thing. And I'm used to the armchair-philosopher mad scientists who just sit in a chair mulling over abstract principles until something terrible happens. I'm even pretty comfortable with those syncretic cyber-shamans, mostly. But this one? I had to ask.
And you know what you get when you ask a mad scientist about their work: Monologues.
"The Ancient Greeks believed there are are four types of love: Philios, Storge, Eros, and Agape. Philios
is a friendly affection. Storge
is a "natural" love of family. Eros
is sexual love. And Agape
is a divine, transcendant kind of love."
I nodded with polite detached comprehension, as my mother taught me to do when speaking with mad scientists.
"My goal is to create a fifth type of love, unlike those other four. I posit that it must exist, since five is such a nice number."
"And what will this 'fifth type of love' be like?" I asked.
The mad scientist scowled at me deeply, as if my ignorant question just lumped me into the same category as those short-sighted fools back at the university.
"I can't tell you that. I haven't invented it yet. But I'm pretty sure it'll be a Greek word, too."
Maybe it's the love of a mad scientist for a creation that doesn't exist yet. But I didn't say that.This entry was originally posted at http://stunningflowermachines.dreamwidth.org/13379.html. What you're reading is just a clone.