Ted (merovingian) wrote,
Ted
merovingian

Frequently Asked Questions

This has come up a lot lately, so I wanted to clear the air with a quick FAQ.

1. What is that thing on the top of your head?

It's a tiny Christmas tree made out of vanadium.

2. Why is it there?

It keeps aliens away from the planet.

3. But there aren't any aliens anywhere near this planet!

Actually, there are now millions of them because the stupid vanadium Christmas tree is on the fritz again. They are just moving so quickly that you can't see them, picking off humans whenever they get hungry, which is more and more often these days.

4. How does this relate to the 18th century mathematician Leonhard Euler?

He built the first one, though he thought it was a cure for influenza.

5. Can the Christmas tree be used to catch frisbees without using your hands?

Bad idea. That's what caused it to go on the fritz in the first place.

6. How can I help?

Brush your teeth frequently. Read quality nonfiction. Take a moment to admire a nearby body of water.

7. What about the Human-Scarab Hybrid Project?

It's just a rumor caused by bad translation errors. In the language of original text, the words for "scarab" and "vanadium" were homonyms.

8. Is it okay if I send this FAQ to my hairdresser?

Yes! Please do.

9. Have you ever actually been asked any of these questions?

Definitely. For instance, I was just asked question 9, and was able to point the asker to this FAQ.

10. #3 isn't a question, love. And the others were only asked once. How can they be asked frequently, if they are only asked once?

Considering the vast array of possible questions that have not been asked, those which are asked once are, statistically speaking, asked very, very frequently.

11. Can i make a suitable replacement christmas tree using SPAM (TM)?

Yes, but it won't keep the aliens away. All it will do is refinance your home, help you raid the national treasuries of various African nations, and sell you a fake Rolex. A fake Rolex made of potted meat.

12. Where do I get one of these Christmas trees or, failing that, an adequate quantity of vanadium to construct one for myself?

Vanadium can be found in Vanadia, but let me tell you, it's heavy. The back pain is terrible.

13. Also, is the fact that vanadium bears the atomic number 23, the universal Number of the Illuminatus, just a coincidence?

That's kind of a funny story. Back in the 18th century when these trees were first made, vanadium had an atomic number of 24, but it lost a proton to Chromium in a poker game in Fnord, Arkansas, in 1890. The moral to be learned here is: don't play poker with Chromium.

14. Yes, which for which?

I realize that this question is taken wildly out of context, but the answer is a resounding yes.

15. Why is there a toy on Chris Knight's head?

Actually, that's a real cowboy hat and not a toy at all.

16. Shouldn't everyone have miniature vanadium Christmas trees?

No. If everyone had them, then the aliens would know we know, and it would make things much worse.

17. Also, shouldn't niobium work in a pinch?

Even tantalum would work in a worst-case scenario.

18. Would you believe I did all of these things today, and do them almost every day?

Yes, and I am deeply appreciative. The world needs more people like you.

19. Is there a special way you should decorate the vanadium Christmas tree?

I generally shop at the December 26 sales for cheap lights, stars, candles, ornaments, etc.

20. Is it true that Vanadia is actually ruled by a despotic mad scientist, who wears a cloak over the heavy iron armor practically welded to his body in Tibet?

Yes. The saddest part is that he was once an idealistic sane professor, before the tragic accident that transformed his life and robbed him of his sanity.

21. Since when does anyone ask "how can I help?"?

Since Question 6.

22. First time with a FAQ?

Yeah, is it that obvious?

23. Isn't a barber also traditionally in charge of pulling teeth?

Originally, the job of a barber was, of course, to barb.

24. Are the newts shy, or just possessive about the right to contemplate natural bodies of water?

Judging by all the newt pr0n that's out there, they're definitely not shy.

25. Or are they hiding something?

You've got a point there. Wait, I asked this question.

If you have any questions not addressed in this FAQ, please add a comment and I will include question and answer in the FAQ.

Hopefully, this should settle the matter once and for all.
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