Ted (merovingian) wrote,
Ted
merovingian

Day Two: Interviewing the Suspects

Okay, so this case is kind of getting to me. Here's my notes from interviews, yesterday and today....

--------------------------------------------
SUSPECT #1's Statements
(Johnny Voodoo's haiku collection)
Suspect was written on rice paper with a thin paintbrush on purple-black ink, perhaps squid sepia.

Q: Were you friends with Johnny Voodoo, or hostile?

A: Choice A AND Choice B
Some Choice A AND Some Choice B
Choice A IS Choice B

Q: Do you know any Navajo?

A: Warm wind meets water
Coi leaps around mossy rock
Peach blossom floats, still

Q; I'll take that as a no. Where were you on the night of August 16, 2001?

A: Hungry rat's legs shake
Apple seed on thin, weak branch
Hawk watches above

That concluded my interview. The suspect hated Mr. Voodoo alright, but wasn't the one who did it.
Human or not, no one who uses rice paper has the moral capacity for murder.

----------------------------------------------------------

SUSPECT #2's Statements
(Phillipines Crime Syndicate)

Suspect was consuming lumpia by the handful in a dirty café.

Q: Had Johnny Voodoo taken up spider-wrestling again?

A: No.

Q: Please look at my spooky hypnotic hand gestures. Now, had Johnny Voodoo taken it up again?

A: Yes.

Q: Did he have a lot of debts?

A: About ten thousand dollars of debt. He was horrible at picking the right spiders. But he didn't owe us a cent. He always paid by credit card, so if you're looking for his killer, you might want to cruise over to the Discover Card collections department.

Q: You take credit cards? So your whole operation is totally legitimate?

A: Yes.

Q: Then why the earlier evasiveness?

A: Epistemological pattern. We're so used to being hush-hush that owning up to this would make me dizzy, and in a business like this, you can't afford to be dizzy. Now kill him, boys - I hate a hypnotist like a pair of socks hates a dryer.

Well, suspect #2 certain had the moral capacity for murder. His thugs would have done me in if it weren't for my trusty sidekick Doctor Assassin, but the suspect is innocent, this time. The whole time we were talking, I was writing insulting personal comments about his mother in Navajo, and he didn't even flinch. You know how those spider-wrestling bosses are about their mothers.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

SUSPECT #3's Comments
(U.S. Treasury)

Q: How exactly am I speaking with the entire U.S. Treasury, without actually talking to any individual representative?

A: That's confidential.

Q: Did you kill Johnny Voodoo?

A: That's confidential.

Q: Please perform the action analogous to looking at my spooky hypnotic hand gestures. Did you kill Johnny Voodoo?

A: That's confidential.

I must conclude that the suspect is innocent. Government conspiracy as culprit is too played out to be behind the death of a creative character like Johnny Voodoo, and besides, what government agency uses QuickTime?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

SUSPECT #4
(The Author)

All attempts to contact suspect resulted in collapse of fourth wall, incoherent mumblings, or excessive self-analysis. The suspect is clearly guilty, but not in a punishable sense.

Similarly, you, the reader, are equally guilty. If you are reading this, please sneak into prison for 20 years for the unprovable crime you committed. If you are not reading this, please read tomorrow for the continuing investigationfs of....

WHO KILLED JOHNNY VOODOO?
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