Ted (merovingian) wrote,
Ted
merovingian

Day Four: Manhunt in Manchester!

I got a surprise visit today from none other than Johnny Voodoo himself. The damn bastard stole my time machine and traveled back to see me. Will have stolen my time machine, I mean, and will have be travelling back to will have had seen me.

Damn time travel grammar. Worst year of school by far, made even worse by the fact that it took no objective time at all.

Anyway, there he was, smoking a cheap rum-soaked cigarello in the corner of my room.

"You want to know who killed Johnny Voodoo? It was me. I killed Johnny Voodoo, and I'd do it again. Me or not, I've always hated that bastard," Johnny sneered.

"You mean, of course that you will have been about to have been doing it again, don't you?" It's a bad habit of mine.

Johnny stared a moment before he realized what I was talking about, "You know, of course, that kissing someone who corrects peoples' grammar is like licking an ashtray, right?"

Before I could respond, he stuck a Nixon pin in a little wax doll that looked just like me. He climbed out the window and scrambled away into the English night, but I was too Republican to follow. I put the word out, and within hours, the city was being combed, looking for him.

I was at the station when I got a phone call from none other than Dorie.

She told a little story that sounded well-rehearsed:

"Do you want to know why I killed Johnny Voodoo? Give me a sec, and I will tell you a story about why I killed Johnny Voodoo. It was during my time at the UCB that I met Johnny Voodoo. At the time I was working on a design for an imploding robot. Johnny was a hanging out at a local café one day and hit on me while I was reloading the container I use for my intravenous caffeine supply. He was not terribly attractive but I had on my caffeine goggles (like beer goggles, only different) and so I gave him my number and left. I never heard from him. He never called me - I don't care if he lost the number. I did however run into him several years later, at a big robotic convention. He shows up at this robotic convention peddling plans for an imploding robot - different enough for patent law but, essentally, yes... my design. So it turns out that part of my design had fallen out of my notebook at the coffee shop. He found it and tried to build it himself. When I saw him at the convention and challenged him I asked him if he got it to work. He said he was very close, so I told him that if he bought me a drink I would give him the secret. I gave him a piece of code that would first hang him, and then impale him, and then implode. He must have taken it home, set his Quicktime video playing, locked all the doors and tried it out when I robot imploded it changed into anti matter and left no trace...."

I decided to be cautious, and had the coppers look for both of them, when I found a note, mysteriously stuck to my shoe. It was coated with a thin layer of slime.

"Don't think that we didn't see you seeing us see you in Paris. We're watching you watch us, and we don't like what we see you seeing. I'll own up to the Johnny Voodoo murder, all right - even if I didn't do it, I would have. I'll give you a full confession, and explain how I did it, and you can drop the case already. Also, can I take your coat, sir?
---J
P.S. I am also Spartacus."

More arrests. Good thing this was taxpayer money.

Just as they were dragging future Johnny Voodoo in, he exploded in a time paradox, and we all saw a light from above.

"GREETINGS - HUMAN - EARTHLING. WE - WILL - NOT - HARM - YOU. WE - BEAR - MESSAGE - FROM - MOTHER - SHIP."

The light took on the shape of an ethereal disk, glowing with triangular lights.

The police dragged in Dorie, the butler and the snail - I have no idea what any of them were doing in Manchester, but I can only assume that the Soup Dragons were involved somewhere, so I had them dragged in.

I reached for some extra-strength headache medicine, "I get the feeling that I already know the answer, but what's the message?"

"WE - KILLED - JOHNNY - VOODOO. OUR - PLANETARY - GOVERNMENT - HATES - LOSING - SPIDER - WRESTLING - BETS."

The disk floated higher, and I thought I heard a chittering laugh before it zipped into space.

I screamed out at the disappearing craft,

"Enough of your enigmatic alien nonsense and Hitchcock-esque multiple confessions! WHO KILLED JOHNNY VOODOO?"
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