Ted (merovingian) wrote,
Ted
merovingian

First aid lesson number zero

Time Paradox

Time Paradox is a condition caused by time travel that creates a logical contradiction. Symptoms include dizziness, slow fading away, the whole world being replaced by apes, complete disappearance, zeppelins, skateboarding, morlocks, and profuse sweating.

If you come across someone who is experiencing time paradox, you can take these steps to help:

- Encourage them to lie down with their head on a comfortable pillow. Time travel is hard work and they deserve a rest.
- If you think the time traveler is dizzy or confused, ask them questions. Don't ask questions about who's president or local sports games; you may find out facts from the future you're not supposed to know yet.
- Always follow the advice of Christopher Lloyd. Even if he's playing Jim the Mechanic from Taxi.
- Give the time traveler a frosty mug of high quality root beer. Really good root beer transcends the flow of causality.
- If you are capable of rapid wingless flight, fly around the world to turn time backward yourself. Because that's how time works. Or just break some clocks, maybe.
- If you are capable of rapid flightless wings, like an ostrich or a penguin, that's pretty awesome. Penguins and ostriches rule. I hope the time paradox leaves you intact.
- Did you get that frosty root beer yet? Chop chop!
- Look around you. Are there any outdated furniture or decorations? 70s shag carpeting, maybe? Or campy retro art deco? If so, it is too late and you should probably just roll with the time troubles.
- Say "time paradox" over and over again until it doesn't sound like a word any more. There! That way it cannot be a problem.
- Consider patenting things you think are common knowledge. It may be worth big bucks.
- Oh wait, that's exactly the kind of stunt that will just cause more paradox. Don't do that.
- I would take back that patent thing, but I don't want to cause more trouble, so, you know, be careful kids.

Don't give yourself a hard time: be ready for time paradox!
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