Ted (merovingian) wrote,
Ted
merovingian

Eel!

A loved one just sent me an SMS asking how remove a moray eel once it had latched on.

There's no one right way to remove a moray eel that is biting you. It's more of an art than a science. Everyone has their own style, and the important part is picking a style that works for you. However, there are general tips that can help you develop your personal flair and get those horrible eels off you.

Here are some key points:
  • Offer the moray eel a tasty non-you snack instead of your leg. Moray eels like weird Mexican candy, Canadian-Chinese dishes, and tiny aqueducts.
  • Instead of dealing with the moray eel, address the underlying social structures that cause a moray eel to be hungry. Assist moray eels with on-the-job training and social counseling programs.
  • When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie? That's also a moray.
  • Employ nine goblin skirmishers. Give them good benefits and a safe, goblin-positive working environment. Perhaps the moray will learn kindness by example.
  • Turn your skin inside out. Who's the creepy thing now, eel?
  • Inevitably, something with robots and transcranial magnetic stimulation and probably a parody of a William Carlos Williams poem.
  • Write a LiveJournal entry describing your feelings about being eaten by an eel, so that the eel will see the error of its ways and stop. Everyone is much easier to convince of things over the Internet.
  • Challenge the moray to a kung fu battle. Moray eels are terrible at kung fu, so they won't accept the challenge, but they will have to open their mouth to demur, which gives you a chance to escape.
  • Start a committee of people who are not being eaten by eels. Get them to reach a consensus about what they're doing right. Start doing those things.
  • Play some albums by The Smiths. The eel will get all mopey.
  • Play some albums by The Eels. The Smiths will get all mopey.
  • Keep typing the word "eel" over and over until it stops looking like a word. Since you don't know any other words for "eel" the thing will completely disappear due to lack of semantic reference.


Hope this helps!

Love,
Ted
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