Ted (merovingian) wrote,
Ted
merovingian

Directions

How to get to my apartment:

  • Okay, start at the freeway. You'll smell something like artificial lemon, with a little watercress. That's the police chief's deadbeat little brother, who has built a fake cold fusion plant and uses it to dupe visiting scientists for profit. The artificial lemon/watercress smell is like perfume for science tourists.
  • That'll take you up the hill, and as you pass the fake cold fusion plant you'll start to smell lavender. Head up to the lavender patch. It's haunted, and you'll feel a sudden chill and an urge to run.
  • Do so.
  • Your fight-or-flight instincts will lead you downhill. (Trust me, these are the fastest directions.) At the bottom of the hill are a herd of buffalo, but they don't smell like buffalo. They smell like rice milk. The neighbors insisted that the buffalo be washed with rice milk so that the neighborhood wouldn't smell like a farm. We had a town meeting. You're getting close.
  • Chase the buffalo across the field. You may or may not catch them, but you'll annoy everyone. Someone will fire a warning shot with a flaregun and it'll smell like matches and fireworks and barbecues. Find the source of the flare gun. That's Angry Ed. He doesn't like it when his buffalo get chased, especially after all that work he does washing them with rice milk.
  • Across the street from Angry Ed is a bakery with fresh buttery biscuits, 24/7. The baker refuses to sell the biscuits. He bakes them for comfort, because he's lost so much, and he's scared to let anyone know what the biscuits mean to him, so he just bakes them and buries them in the fresh soil. Don't ask to buy the biscuits. I guess he must own his building and have a business on the side, because he sure doesn't make any money with the bakery. He never stops baking. He sleeps like Edison - twenty minute catnaps while the biscuits are burning. No one knows what he's missing.
  • I'm right upstairs. My place doesn't smell like anything.


Oh, uh, these directions assume that you're riding a allosaurus (real or robotic) with grafted bloodhound traits. If you're walking or taking a car or biking, you'll need to interpret the directions yourself.
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