I sighed and lounged back against my kitchen counter. I knew I was going to have to listen to the speech, but my dignity wouldn't allow me to encourage the stupid speech any further by asking or feigning interest.
The vampire took that as a sign to continue.
"First of all, we aren't driven off by running water or garlic. That's nonsense. Sunlight will harm us, but it will take days for it to kill us. A stake through the heart will kill us, too, in a bloody mess. Also, we are things of the night -- we are actually part of the nightshade family. Furthermore, we vampires are rich in lycopine. We are dicots who grow decumbent on the vine, and there are many different varieties of vampires, ranging in size and color, but most are characterized by a luscious, bright red color when ripe, though some varieties are yellow, green or orange. Our sinister, brooding origin was in South America, and we are high in nutrients and extremely versatile as a cooking ingredient."
Then I realized I was talking with a tomato and not a vampire at all.
And then it bit me anyway.
The truth is, I had no idea of the truth!