Ted (merovingian) wrote,
Ted
merovingian

Money Changes Everything!

My lunch was interrupted.

"Good evening, [sir or madam]. My name is [Sean], and I represent the Sunnyvale Times. I'm proud to offer you a special introductory offer to our paper. Do you currently receive the Sunnyvale Times?"

Me: "No."

[consults response sheet] "You'll find that the Sunnyvale Times has the latest news and happenings in our community and the world at large. I'd like to sign you up for a special free two-week subscription, at no obligation to you. Would you be interested in this?"

Me: "I am wearing an ape mask."

[consults response sheet very briefly] "Um, what?"

Me: "Sean, I can get you a better job than telemarketing. You'll make a little more, and maintain your dignity."

"Um, would you be interested in our two-week subscription?"

Me: "I'm serious, Sean. This is embarassing and uncomfortable for both of us, and it's your boss' boss that's sticking it to us. Let's end the ugly cycle, and I'll get you a more fulfilling job that pays more. You should have my phone number on your screen now. Call it after you're off work, and I'll get you hooked up."

"Why are you doing this?"

Me: "I hate telemarketing, but probably not as much as you do. Wouldn't you like to feel happy to brag about your job?"

"You know, of course, that even if you hire me away, my company, Ackerton Sales Solutions of Denver, Colorado, will just find someone else to replace me, and the amount of telemarketing won't be reduced, right?"

Me: "Well, my hope is that if people can generally do this, it will reduce the available pool of people willing to work in such an undignified position --"

"-- Hey now!"

Me: "Sorry, but it's true. Anyway, if the available talent pool becomes small enough, the salary of your position would increase, hopefully to the point that the variable cost of goods sold drives the return on investment below what the Sunnyvale Times would accept, putting Ackerton Sales Solutions out of business. But anyway, that probelm doesn't really matter to you personally, because you'll be out of the telemarketer business, and happily living the safe and prosperous life of a rodeo ninja."

"I admire your desire to tackle a global problem through individual action, [sir or madam], but, even if you can hire away every telemarketer that calls you, that's still a drop in Ackerton Sales Solutions' ocean of profits, and, even if you can create a grassroots movement of this kind, most people don't have the opportunity to hire someone on as a [rodeo ninja], or other such position."

Me: "Okay, you make a compelling point there. Man, I'm feeling kind of depressed."

"I know a way to cheer you up, [sir or madam]. How about a nice, warm, friendly two-week subscription to the Sunnyvale Times with no obligations?"

Me: "I guess that's a good idea, sure."

"Great! May I have your credit card number, please?"

Me: "Sure. It's 227... Hey, hold on a second! Did you have prescripted dialog for all of that?"

[consults response sheet] "No, these are my firmly held personal opinions. We cannot fight the corporate machine."
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