Ted (merovingian) wrote,
Ted
merovingian

How I saved the world this morning

From my science class last night:

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SPILL CARBONATED PUNCH ON THE LINOLEUM

1. First, you exert torque on the container, such that the opening is downward and gravity pulls your punch downward. The acceleration of this is about 10 meters per second per second.

2. Normally, this plummet would be stopped after about a tenth of a meter, because your cup would be in the way. When spilled, though, the cup is either missing, or, perhaps, already filled with punch, which is displaced by the incoming punch.

3. The tiny bubbles of the punch are not merely carbon released by agitated carbolic acid. Not by a long shot. They are full, vital civilizations, with art, politics, and culture. Tiny insects live within, and, in their ten seconds, they experience what to us would be centuries. Nations rise and collapse. Perhaps a philosopher among them becomes aware of what is happening; perhaps other insects believe this philosopher. Perhaps not, though.

4. The bubbles plummet with the punch. Many burst and are released into the surrounding air, and the air instantly kills the hapless millions within. Some, though, are cushioned safely, unaware that a danger even exists. When your punch hits the ground, all the bubble-insect cultures are destroyed, but are not lost.

5. Meanwhile, far above, Ahura-Mazda laughs, watching.

6. Linoleum is mined in only one place - the supposedly sacred Wallstone Mines of Brazil. All linoleum was once connected, and, by the law of contagion, remains connected, even if separated by gross physical space. The vast network of linoleum has a complexity comparable to a single human mind; its interactions are wiser than those of synpases firing. When your punch hits the ground, the linoleum feels it. The floor remembers the worlds of the spilled punch. The dead cultures remain, dreaming, within the smooth, attractive, water-resistant mind of the linoleum.

7. These dreaming cultures, transmitted through unknown means across linoleum worldwide, are even more interesting on the subatomic level. The Bell-Einstein theory predicts that energy and matter cannot travel beyond the speed of light, but it is possible for information to violate this, since information is neither matter nor energy. If carbonated punch is spilled on two separate linoleum floors, anywhere within the universe, at the same time, makeshift Cooper pairs form.

8. These connections, though, are unstable. Virtual particles, existing only as mathematical possibility but nonetheless real in their effects on other particles, come into being. Antimatter is formed in one kitchen while matter is formed on the other. The virtual antimatter forms virtual mesons with surrounding dirt and dustbunnies. Unless somehow stopped, the particles release enough energy to annihilate the solar system.

9. Meanwhile, you curse, grab a paper towel from the roll, and mop up. The process of removing the punch also severs the connections between the punch and the linoleum. The dreaming ends. The linoleum, a slave to its component parts, forgets. The Cooper pairs disjoin inertly. The universe is saved.
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