June 20th, 2001


A lack of charisma can be fatal

I read about this in an old weird newspaper. I tried it and it really works. I made $122,000 in two weeks!

Get a good tape recorder, and hit the streets. Find an insane street drifter, give them exactly two dollars and ninety cents, and ask them to explain the world to you. Listen patiently.

Record the whole thing. Transcribe it. Take every third letter. It'll be gobbledygook, of course, but shift it all one letter down (E becomes F, T becomes U, Z becomes A). Part of it will still be nonsense characters, but in the middle somewhere will be an intelligent sentence.

It's always true, but the value is of various worth. Here's a few gems:

"It's hard to be annoyed at the dead."
"Pigs are smart, but not as smart as dumb people."
"White supremacists watch the same movies you do."
"Science is a matter of outracing the mutation of disease."
"You've forgotten precisely how to do polynomial integration."
"A perfectly smooth complexion would be dangerous."
"Ex-Ravers will be embarassed twenty years from now."

...and the real money maker....

"The numbers on the back of fortune cookies are never lottery winners."

Don't ask me how I got the underlining on that last one. It's a long story.

I contacted an Asian food supplier and bought bags and bags of fortune cookies, hooked them up to a scanner with OCR, and read the numbers. Once you've eliminated a million losing lottery numbers, winning is easy. Mind you, I get a lot more $5 prizes than $1000 prizes, but I'll still never have to work again.