September 22nd, 2001


I, for one, actually like William Carlos Williams

Today's been an eventful day. I had a job interview, and it went wonderfully - the place looks great, and the pay is good, and they really like my work. There's just one hitch....

Said the hiring manager to me: "Well, you see, there's just one catch. We're not sure whether to hire a new person, or get this red wheelbarrow. If we decide to go without the wheelbarrow, you'll receive an offer letter the next morning, but I don't know when that will be."

Later on, I was talking to some friends, and someone mentioned that he had an extra ticket to Hawaii, but he'd left it in his wheelbarrow, so it may have blown away in the wind, and it depended on how much that red thing managed to shelter out the weather.

On the way home, I narrowly avoided an accident, on account of a wheelbarrow. Again, red.

I asked my chaplain about all this. He said that it meant I might go to Heaven, or I might go to Hell...

...depending on the red wheelbarrow.

Tips for Fighting Enigmatic Alien Warriors

1. Do not allow yourself to become frightened or embarassed. Try imagining the alien dressed only in its underwear - the alien will seem much less intimidating.

2. Get the alien to wear broad horizontal stripes to a major formal occasion. At the occasion, cheerily but cattily hint to the alien that the outfit makes the alien look fat.

3. Aliens cannot comprehend this thing humans call "love."

4. Don't bother with guns or sharp implements or fire. There are only three ways to kill aliens: Voodoo, mistletoe, and the heart of a blue sun.

5. Aliens neurology is quite different from ours. Do not attempt to dodge the alien's blows by ducking or weaving - that will not work. Instead, do the Electric Slide, or, if you don't know how, do the Cotton-Eyed Joe.

6. Aliens cannot comprehend this thing humans call "postage stamps."

7. If the alien is going to kill you, spread your jacket wide and shout. You will still die, but at least you'll die looking like an idiot.

8. Aliens and faster, stronger, and more intelligent than you. Try to make the alien feel guilty about that.

9. You may find yourself in a "Mexican standoff" with an alien, with your pistol aimed at the alien's head and the alien's raygun pointed at your head. If this happens, it's appropriate to dance the "Mexican Hat Dance" and eat some "Mexican Pizza," because, well, as I mentioned before, guns won't work.

10. Pants! Pants! Pants!

11. Aliens love car chases. Don't give the bastard the pleasure.

12. Aliens cannot comprehend this thing humans call "chiropractic adjustment."

13. Don't bother with the common cold thing, or the music thing. Aliens are totally sick of that.

14. Aliens cannot stand the smell of mayonaisse. They will attempt to vaporize the mayonaisse. This makes a good distraction.

15. Dress in the clothes of the opposite sex. Our physiologies are totally alien to them - they won't notice the difference. Isn't that liberating?