November 8th, 2001


Review: The New Chinese Restaurant In Town

I have problems with this place. Yes, the food was excellent, and the prices were great, and the esrvice was fast.

The problem was the fortune cookies. Here's some samples:

"You suck and I will totally kill you."
"Your life will change for the worse, because you're just a worthless bitch-boy."
"If you don't put a fork in your eye right now, I'm going to give you a really bad fortune."
"You are living a lie and everyone who sees this fortune will find you out."
"Your momma."
"You suffer from a variety of sexual dysfunctions and are unable to satisfy any partner... in bed."

Other Reality Show Islands

stolen wholesale from the deliciously clever niwi:

Omphaloknepsis Island
Radical Black Separatist Island
Easter Island (Type I: Statue Heads)
Dell Tha Funky Homo Sapien Island
Easter Island (Type II: Painted Eggs)
Hegelian Dialectic Island
No TV Cameras Allowed Island
Three's Company Island
Obscure Roman Diety Island
Constant Droning Island
Chiropractic Island
Do You Want To See Photos Of My Baby? Island
LiveJournal Island
Discordians and Subgeniuses Kill Each Other Island

Secret Job Fair

Turns out the Secret Job Fair was in the sewers this time, and, of course, you needed to know the password ("A Toast To Evil!"). Here's some of the jobs I applied for:

"Before" Photographer: Responsible for making sure that the subject looks attractive only in potential, and mostly just kind of frumpy and gray and in need of beauty products.

Sandwich Photographer: Responsible for taking a set of ingredients in a mass-marketed fast food sandwich or other dish, and making a photograph of a much more appealing product, while still using technically the same ingredients.

Fundraiser Candy Reseller: Responsible for going to junior and high schools and pitching why it's worthwhile to buy mediocre candy bars for fifty cents (well over street price) and then sell them to your friends for a dollar. Also responsible for cheap yet appealing-to-kids promotions and rewards for high sales.

Insurance Statistician: Responsible for calculating, based on the few legal facts thta be collected by insurance, how much to charge to make it statistically guaranteed that insurance will just barely not be worth it to be.

Casino Interior Decorator: Another statistical field. Responsible for spooky psychology studies to maximize money-milking slot machines and compel people to want to use them.

Wish me luck!