December 21st, 2001

double

(no subject)

Sometimes I feel very guilty.

Some things I do to help when I'm feeling guilty about something:

1. Push an acorn under my skin. Make people look at it.
2. Call up the zoo and tell them how bad I am.
3. Dress up like a historical villain.
4. Collect lots of spiders and put them in a box. Blame them.
5. Put turpentine into a teapot, and heat it up, and prepare sugar and cream, and pretend I'm going to drink it, then back out at the last minute.
6. Make puppet shows about the way things should have been.
7. Go to the dentist and complain of toothaches I don't actually have. Demand drilling.
8. Thank trees.
9. Start with a copy of a well-known book. Change every name to a speculative-fiction name ("Holden Caufeild" becomes "Renorin Moonborn"), and change all references to technology to analogous neologisms ("car" becomes "rotorcart"). Publish as original work.
10. Wail. Gnash teeth. Teach a gorilla to perform the same task for me.