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Wednesday, December 26th, 2001

Time Event
I Respect The First Amendment
So, last night my condo got broken into. No one was hurt, but a bunch of stuff got stolen - my time machine, several crates of plastic demonstration sushi, and a lot of mashed potatoes, all gone.

I was angry, and when I get angry, I turn into a detective. I tracked their footsteps a while and came across a crumpled-up note that said, "People 'go back to college' because they're too depressed to work for money."

Curious, I continued, sort of following the alleyway where the note lay. I found another note, again crumpled, same handwriting. It read, "People want to believe in irreverent revolution because they are unhealthily addicted to and unsatisfying decadent lifestyle."

And now I was fascinated to fanaticism. The tracking became easier because the footsteps were now accompanied by bear prints.

Another note: "People describe someone as 'earnest' not only to make their sincerity sound stupid, but, more importantly, to make themselves seem jaded, ironic and intellectual by comparison."

And then another, right close enough to a house-turned-office that I was sure it was the place. The crumpled note read: "People would not decide to become vegetarians today if the hippies of the sixties were not identified with loose sexual morals. The same is true of the much smaller vegetarian community of the nineteenth century craze. Every diet-and-health craze is a sex craze - one base instinct must substitute another."

I decided to stake the building out. Why had they broken into the house.

The answers came to me quickly, because I wasn't the only one watching the building. The FBI was after them too, and I found out when they came around to interrogate me.

I explained that I'd been burglarized and was checking it out. They relazed and believed me. Braver, I asked about the notes. They explained that it was a Hansel and Gretel thing - they leave bread crumbs so they can find their way home.

They told me why they were staking these guys out even. These were academic assailants. Sometimes they performed burglaries to finance their activities, but their main business was actually analysis. They'd inspect and expose the motives of others' actions, in order to simultaneously subvert their standing and imply that those involved were either deceptive or naive enough that such motives would exist. Analysis of motive as a means of intellectual assault: breaking down reasonable arguments by spurious conjectures as to the "real" reasons for the arguments.

Psychoanalysis revealed for its true purpose - demeaning infantilization. The FBI were just keeping these guys under observation while they figured out some way to arrest them for it.

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