December 28th, 2001


Tips for Dancing

Some things to keep in mind when dancing:

1. Everybody complains about stupid people. Everyone hates stupid people. Why is there no rioting in the streets, demanding the deregulation of piracetam, vinpotecine, and vasopressin?

2. Right now, in these tough financial times, everyone is feeling the crunch. Perfectly healthy, normal people are getting close to big trouble, especially in the previously inflated tech industry. Therefore, stockpile gold, ammunition and canned foods now, while you can still collect unemployment.

3. You have no specific proof that your legs will not turn into snakes at any moment.

4. Every speaker can also act as a microphone. They're the exact same device. See all those big, powerful speakers around? Be careful what you think.

5. Everybody looks like an idiot when they're dancing.

6. Dancing originally evolved from ergot-induced village fistfights. You could probably beat up Alan Lomax without trouble, even when he was in his prime.

7. Sweat. Fire. Madness.

8. It is a long-standing military tradition that, when marching across a bridge, soldiers must not keep pace, for fear of setting up sympathetic resonances which collapse the bridge. Thank those without rhythm - they are saving the structure of the dance floor and possibly your own life.

9. There might be insects on the floor on which you're dancing. Oh, who are we kidding, there's definitely insects on the floor.

10. Sometimes, when you're dancing, you might concentrate on moving just your legs, or just your neck and hips, or some such. You'll forget about the other parts of your body. When you do that, those parts don't stand still - they're taken over by your ancestors, who will signal to other ancestors around you. Whole conversations can take place while you're thinking about where your feet are moving. Sometimes gregarious ancestors are just making social chit-chat. Other times, more determined ancestors are planning something.

11. Move to the music! Move to the music! Shake that thang!