June 17th, 2006


Advice to the graduating class of 2006!

The local school accidentally hired the evil negative twin from the grumpy universe as their graduation speaker, instead of the admired scholar they wanted .

Here's what she had to say:

1. You will be the first graduating class to lose your jobs to robots. I suggest that you make sure you're replaced by awesome robots with buzzsaws and flashing lights. And maybe British accents. Robots should have British accents.

2. Staring sullenly is the most important meal of the day.

3. When the world gives you champagne, make lemonade.

4. The only way you can get anywhere in life is by imitating your twin, who is better than you. If you don't have a twin, ask the person next to you if they'll be your new twin.

5. If you are a scorpion, remember that your shell glows in ultraviolet light. If you are a rabbi, remember to study hard and help people. If you are both a scorpion and a rabbi....well, I don't have any advice for you.

6. At an Indian restaurant, "mutter" means "peas." Wait, that doesn't sound very forward-going or inspirational; let me try again.

7. In life, at an Indian restaurant, "mutter" means "peas."

8. When a Frenchman gives you the world, make lemonde-ade.

9. Radioactivity doesn't smell like anything at all. Antifreeze smells really sweet and edible, but it looks like it's radioactive or something.

10. I'm still creeped out about the scorpion rabbi thing. What is wrong with you, class of 2006? Scorpion rabbis? Gah! I'm leaving now.

Then she left. I feel like there was something important she missed.

Do you know what it was?