March 20th, 2009


U.M. Delegation

There are not enough folk superstitions about Universal Man.

We all know his general story, of course. He spent his early life walking across streets at intersections, then moved on to play a wide variety of Olympic sports. He first met his wife, Universal Woman, at the bathrooms, but they went their own separate ways and didn't actually join together until they met much later in life in a unisex bathroom.

Then he was somehow injured - perhaps by a tilted vending machine, perhaps while running across the street with his family in San Diego, perhaps struck by lightning. Whatever the cause, and the stories vary, Universal Man lost use of his legs, and spent the rest of his life getting around by wheelchair. It was during those years that he did his best work, traveling across the land spreading the cause of wheelchair accessibility, always getting rockstar parking. His famous Blue Period overshadowed Picasso by far.

Landmarks of his great works can be found throughout the land.

But we need more folk magic and superstitions about Universal Man.

Here are a few:
  • When you see a sign that shows Universal Man bumping his head on something, you should do the same to get good luck.

  • In different countries, Universal Man has a different build. The stockier the Universal Man, the better the local wines.

  • Universal Man gives bacon to those who use the air-blow driers in bathrooms. But first, he takes bacon away from those who do not keep kosher.

  • You should never talk about Universal Man when you're touring Universal Studios.

  • Walk just like Universal Man to cure warts and pedxing.

  • If you walk past a Neighborhood Watch sign you'll get the Evil Eye. You can protect yourself by hiding behind Universal Man.

  • Look at Universal Man. If his rounded shoulders seem slumped or overtense, draw someone giving him a Universal Backrub. You'll be rewarded with an extra two years of life.

Please suggest another Universal Man superstition.Collapse )

Thank you for contributing to universal rationality.