Ted (merovingian) wrote,

An Open Letter To Those Going to a Barbecue Today

An Open Letter to Those Going to a Barbecue Today
(On behalf of those who are not)

1. Barbecue

Today is exactly one week before Labor Day in the United States. Well, okay, eight days, but that's close enough. In other places, this is one week before "U.S. Labor Day."

Many people, especially people on the Northern Hemisphere, will be going to a barbecue today. Many will not.

The word "barbecue" comes to the English language from Taino (by way of Spanish). The Taino language is not spoken by many people, and no other English words come from the Taino language. If "barbecue" sounds like a funny word to you, that's probably why.

It also might be because you just typed the word over and over again.

2. We Will Not Be There

First and foremost, I think I can speak for all of us when I say:

We will not be there. At all.

We also will not be bringing utensils or charcoal or food for the grill, though some of us may send it along with others.

I know that you are going to a barbecue today. We are not. Please understand this.

3. We Have Reasons

Our absence is not without reason.

Some of us are unable to attend because we are too tired, or we were not invited, or coming to the barbecue would have negative consequences.
Some of us do not have the political or personal freedom to attend.
Some of us got our dates switched on our calendar, or just totally forgot.
Some of us do not keep a calendar.
Some of us object to the concept of a barbecue.
I must admit it. Some of us object specifically to the barbecue you'll be attending. These people deserve a voice as well.
Some of us are too far away. This may mean we are a hundred miles away, or a hundred quadrillion miles, or a hundred years in the future.
Some of us couldn't get rides. Or babysitters. Or time off work.
Some of us are unable to understand barbecues. This may be because we are very very young and tiny, or because we are totally insane, or because we are crocodiles. Or icebergs. Or distant black holes.
Some of us, like Popeye the Sailor, are fictional characters. Some, like the quadratic equation and hope, are abstract concepts.
Some of us are intentionally snubbing you.

We all have our reasons. Though our reasons may be very different, we are all united in one thing: our non-attendance of a barbecue today.

4. Have fun without us

Many of us do not care or wish you ill, but the rest of us hope you have fun at your barbecue, although we will not be there ourselves.
Do not hate us for our absence.
Do not stop the barbecue because we don't be there.
Do not storm a nearby constabulary and demand our death for it.
Just have fun without us.

Thank you.

EDIT: It turns out "potato" comes from Taino as well.

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