Ted (merovingian) wrote,

Why I Am A Libertarian

On Halloween night I was attacked by zombies. Funny thing is, I think I recognized one of them.

"Hey, aren't you Ben Franklin?"

Zombies are mindless shuffling automatons, but it turns out that Ben Franklin without a brain is still pretty smart and articulate. Because it's all about the Benjamin.

"Why, yes, yes I am."

"Hey, I have a bone to pick with you about something," I said.

"If it's about the turkey, forget it. I'm kind of defensive about that."

"Oh, no, not at all. I'm with you on the turkey as a national bird, Ben. Mind if I call you Ben?"

He shrugged undeadly. Undeadfully. Indubitably.

"Thanks," I continued, "Anyway, Daylight Saving Time. It's a spectacularly bad idea. It's confusing and irregular, and it messes everyone up twice a year. I know the rationale for it - more sunlight time with your family during the summer and so on - but that's kind of ridiculous. It's only useful if everyone has a nine-to-five job, and even then only if every job situation is so inflexble that it's impossible to get time off in the sun without a bizarre, invasive disruption. Any job situation that requires on-the-clock precision is probably messed up by Daylight Saving Time, anyway. Face it: As time goes on and technology brings the world closer together, Daylight Saving Time seems more and more confusing and dismal. It would be much easier if everyone just used GMT, wordwide, and based their sunlight decisions on the weather outside, rather than an arbitrary and inaccurate clock situation. Clocks measure time, not weather. We should solve the actual problem without any awkward stopgap adjustments."

"That's all well and good in theory, but people don't make these kinds of changes without coordination from above. They can't! Otherwise everyone just goes with their own wild theories and it gets much more confusing. Policy-making takes a lot of expertise and work! You civilians don't get that. You have never tried the job, but from the outside it looks so simple if you just have to deride everything we do with grand, sweeping, untested, amateur ideas."

"Oh, zombie Benjamin Franklin," I sighed affectionately, "Can't you see? You've done amazing things. The fire department was a great idea, and so was the almanac. Your rhetoric brought our nation together. Your statesmanship led to its independence. You're the father of electricity, for goodness sake! I could never do all that! I appreciate everything you've done, and I'm honored to meet you! But you do make mistakes. Why can't you see the difference between admitting mistakes and a personal attack?"

And then he lunged at me and I blew off his head with a shotgun.

And that's why I'm a Libertarian.
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