Ted (merovingian) wrote,

How to tie a bowtie in seven easy steps

Step One: Get an appropriate tie. Ideally, it would be the silk tie picked up from the body of the mobster who kidnapped your family. Failing that, it could the Bowtie of Heroes.

Step One-A: If you're George Thorogood, a cobra snake will do nicely.

Step Two: Wrap the bowtie around the back of your neck, grasping each end firmly.

Step Three: Think about the individual molecules in the bowtie. Many of those molecules came from a silkworm. The atoms in them came from the food the silkworm ate, and before that, those atoms probably mixed and mingled around the planet in a dizzy distant backwards dance for a very long time.

Step Four: Realize that a crush is a surge of interest because you're curious about someone and how you'll relate to them. Realize that the proper culmination of a crush might be a friendship, or a distant fondness, or even a sense of educational disappointment.

Step Five: Remember every foghorn you have ever heard. Imagine them talking with each other. They have different tones and paces. Are they making their own mechanical birdcalls out by the ocean?

Step Six: Look back at the tie and try to remember what you were trying to do again. Oh yeah, a bowtie. How do you do one of those? I've only ever seen the clip-on ones.

Step Seven: You know, I'm not sure what step seven is.

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