Ted (merovingian) wrote,


So we went to the Perfection Cafe today. Have you been there?

They spent weeks preparing the pastries. Sheep butter, for some reason, genetically modified and blended in so the crust is light and flaky. Robot-controlled single oven, that watches the pastry to be sure that it's exactly golden brown. They don't let you order; they wave different scents under your nose and gauge your eye dilation and saliation response, and based on that, they give you what you really want even if you don't know it.

They hand mill the flour with love and grace and a titanium-platinum hand mill. They spent years balancing the mixture. They spend two weeks on every pastry, preparing them just in time.

The pastries could use just a little more salt. Just a little. They use a fancy blend of salt crystals from the Kiev Sea, and it's very good salt, but they need a little more.

When customers complained about the lack of salt, the chefs panicked. They were angry and ashamed that the pastries they loved so well weren't perfect, and eventually they decided they needed to make up for it in a spectacular way.

And so, without raising the price, they began baking diamonds into the pastry. Small, high-quality, cruelty-free, synthetic diamonds, brilliant round cut. Lasers were involved somehow in the cutting process. They cut the diamonds right there in the kitchen.

Now the pastries are an inedible health hazard. I asked for just a little extra salt and they got angry. "We're already putting so much effort into these diamonds that we're going out of business. We can't afford more salt."

I tried asking for no diamonds and extra salt, but by then everyone was so exhausted and angry that we couldn't do a thing about it.

Anyone know a good way to eat diamonds?
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