Ted (merovingian) wrote,

To the Hing, Baby

Back in the 90s, I mostly thought of kale as an inedible garnish for dishes at Denny's. How wrong I was. It is so delicious, and so good for you!

Some of the benefits of kale:

1. It is very high in the vitamins and minerals needs to unite thesis and antithesis into synthesis, and other key functions of Hegel's Dialectic.

2. It makes your bone marrow transparent, but this isn't always a good thing.

3. Every 100 times you eat it, you can morph into your full dinosaur form (if you try.)

4. If you eat kale for breakfast, everyone you meet that day will be more honest and giving.

5. Wasps and bees will not consider you a threat. In fact, they may see you as a beloved ally or family member, which is less awkward and embarassing than one might think.

6. Every cup of tea you ever drank will, retroactively, in your memory, taste better.

7. Subways will cost 5¢ less every trip.
7a. (Corrolary) It helps prevent Macbook hard drive failures.

8. The people of Iowa will consider you a demigod of some kind, and if you visit them they will bring flowers and scented oils.

9. You won't have to live in fear anymore.

10. You will be able to see potatoes in the dark and through walls.

11. If you are a goblin or giant or pregnant woman, you will grow extra hands and eyes.

12. It is green and bumpy, just like a hydrogen-powered dune buggy.

13. Minotaurs are unable to see you if you've had a lot of kale, because they can only see bone marrow.

14. The concentrated essence of kale gives prophetic visions which allow interstellar navigation without any computers.

15. It makes you immune to necromancy and gravity attacks. (Studies are still underway on this one.)

16. It wards away the evil eye.

17. It allows your lists to be 70% longer.
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