Ted (merovingian) wrote,

My REM Stage Coach

So I'm going to be recording my dreams and selling them on eBay. It turns out that the Betamax can support that -- yet another reason why Betamax should have won the video format wars instead of Blu-Ray.

(To clarify about selling my dreams: I'm not selling my hopes and aspirations, of course. I'm talking about the REM-state paralytic hallucinations we all get.)

Anyway, I talked to my coach at the Dream Academy. I was expecting that he'd just say "Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over" but I think that was actually Crowded House who sang that.

Here were his suggestions of things that improve the quality of your dreams:

1. Try to be less anxious during the day. Anxiety during the day becomes nightmares at night. Forgive yourself liberally all day long.
2. Get enough sleep. The best dreams start happening around hour nine.
3. Avoid alcohol. It makes you have less REM sleep the first night, and then your brain tries to catch up the next night and you get nightmares.
4. That's not a general straightedge purist thing, though. Most painkillers lead to great dreams. Nicotine patches can lead to seriously weird, intense dreams, too.
5. All day long, attempt to telekinetically lift yourself and other object using nothing but the power of your mind. You won't succeed when you're awake, but if you make a habit of it, you'll try it in your sleep and succeed.
6. People really like to hear about your dreams, but only if the dream includes them.
7. If you dream about seven very fat cows and then seven very skinny cows, institute a food stockpiling system in Egypt and wear a technicolor dreamcoat.
8. There's a store in Minnesota that sells eggs. If you buy eggs there, the eggs will appear in your dreams with perfect clarity until you dream of eating them or throwing them away. They keep fresh for months, too!
9. If you have a dream about going to a website to purchase various dream items, and your credit card gets charged in real life, try to have a dream about contacting your bank and requesting a refund.
10. Try to dream about Freud dream about Zhuangzhi dreaming he's a butterfly dreaming it's you. That kind of self-referencing irony makes really brightly colored dreams that show up well in Betamax.
11. Life in a Northern Town! That was it. Hey-oh-ma-ma-ma! HEY-oh-ma-ma-ma!
12. If you dream about a guy in a fedora and striped sweater with crazy claws coming after you, the MPAA will sue you to pieces. So don't do that.
13. Stage coaches are still totally awesome. Frontier dreams might help with having more stage coaches in your dreams. Or maybe taking a job at Wells-Fargo?
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