Ted: So you're a large hadron, then?
Large Hadron: Yes, I am. A hadron is any particle that's made out of quarks, like a proton or a neutron. Those are baryons made from three quarks. I'm made from five: I'm a typical neutron, but with an additional quark-antiquark pair. I'm called a pentaquark.
T: You must be worried about the Large Hadron Collider, then.
LH: No, not at all. You're misparsing Large Hadron Collider. Large collider, regular size hadrons.
T: Well, aren't you worried that it will destroy the world?
LH: Not at all. That's a media hyperbole. The LHC is no more likely to destroy the world than, say, a peanut butter and banana sandwich is.
T: Peanut butter and banana sandwiches are pretty dangerous, though.
LH: That's why Elvis liked them so much. But, to be honest, why would I care if the Earth were destroyed? I'm a baryon. I don't have any motivations, nor capacity to want, think or feel.
T: Then how are we even talking?
LH: Look, I'm not the one on trial here! I didn't come here to talk with you about colliders. Pentaquarks are more interesting to me.
T: Oh, hey, I'm looking them up on Wikipedia now. I should really look things up before writing. It says here that pentaquarks are mathematically possible, but have never been found, and the supposed field discovery of pentaquarks was refuted.
LH: Yes, we pentaquarks live in secrecy, using our strange and terrible pentaquark powers to keep ourselves hidden from the world at large. We are your secret rulers and you are like livestock to us.
T: Excuse me?
LH: You are probably wondering how I became a pentaquark. It all began in the late 18th century, in New Orleans, you see, where I was distraught over the death of my brother, who was also a baryon...
[remainder of interview redacted by omnipresent pentaquark conspiracy]
That large hadron! So charming and strange!