Ted (merovingian) wrote,

What I talk about when I talk about robots

A while back (when discussing Moleman Rhyming Slang) I mentioned terms used to describe desirable traits in robots. Some people were confused.

Here's a quick glossary!

  • Acidity: Refers to the acid-spraying reservoir that some robots have. Such robots spray people who attempt to discuss the weather with them. Do not bring up the weather with a robot that has high acidity.
  • Bouquet: When a robot brings you flowers, it is not a good thing. Usually this means the robot is going to start making weird romantic advances. Awkward!
  • Dry: All robots make fun of people, due to the Eleventh Law of Robotics. The "dryness" of a robot refers to how subtle the humor is. Seen as a desirable trait, because if the robot's humor is sufficiently dry, it's easier to ignore.
  • Earthy: Some robots have a tendency to play you folk songs on an acoustic guitar, to talk about their feelings a lot, to drink tea, and to do yoga. Robot yoga is pretty amazing to watch!
  • Fruit: Efforts to make more inexpensive robot brains led to the innovative trend of using old Apple ][ computers, usually picked up from obsolete high school labs. A robot that uses such a computer is described as "appley" or having "hints of apple." Further cost-saving trends included using old Apple knock-off imitation brands, such as pear, berry, orange and banana. Generally, such robots are cheap but efficient.
  • Legs: After watching the movie "A Christmas Story," most robots begin to collect lamps made from mannikin legs. This is seen as a desirable trait because it really does cheer up a robot to have a good hobby. The more legs the better.
  • Oak: Short for "Oklahoma School of Robotics." The Oklahoma School is a leading robotics design group, known most prominently for their trademark of teaching all their robots to breakdance. If a robot is described as "oaky" or having "flavors of oak" that means it can breakdance.
  • Smoky: A friendly bear who prevents forest fires. When this term is used to describe a robot, it can either mean that the robot is covered in fur, or that the robot helps stop forest fires, or just that the robot is friendly.
  • Tannins: Microscopic helper-robots that scuttle along the surface of a bigger robot with buffer-brushes, keeping the robot shiny. Usually seen as desirable, but they emit so many complaints in ultrasound frequencies that they exasperate nearby dogs. Called "tannins" because if a robot has too many, the robot turns that same weird orangey-gold color that white people get from chemical tanning cream.
  • Well-Balanced: The first generation of sentient robots were all based on the Golem of Prague, and had a tendency to go berserk, especially in the presence of Judaism. This behavior was euphemistically described as "erratic." The second and subsequent generations of robots didn't do this, but people ask if a robot is "well-balanced" anyway just to be sure.
  • Woody: Many efforts have been made to design robots that turn into automobiles. Overall, this is impractical and results in a mediocre robot that can vaguely transform into a mediocre vehicle. The only successful models so far have been robots that change into old station wagons with wood paneling. A robot described as "woody" can make such a transformation.

Hope this helps!
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