Ted (merovingian) wrote,

This Is My Virtue; Do Not Let It Blind You

I was reading a self-hurt book this afternoon ("I Suck, You're Okay") when there was the sound of golden thunder outside, then my doorbell rang. The Sun God was there, flanked by two shining bulls, with a long blue cape that was the sky.

He asked me if I would give him a suggestion for a restaurant. I refused.

Then he offered to teach me Spanish and give me a bionic arm if I'd give him a suggestion for a restaurant. I refused.

Then he offered to make me a nationwide dance sensation. I refused.

Then he offered me a palace made of red marble, always warm to the touch, and a bowl of thick, hearty broth that would never be emptied. I refused.

Here's the idea for the restaurant which I refused to share with him:

1. Superior food, comfortable atmosphere, and pleasant, courteous service.

2. Deliberately antagonize all food critics. Serve them rotten fruit, insult them, and instruct the staff to offend and violate them at all costs. Advertise to the public on early-evening radio spots, explaining exactly what's being done, and why they should still come to the restaurant.

3. Each time a customer receives their check, before they do, roll dice. One in three customers will have their check tripled. Explain the entire plan to customers before they order to make sure there's no confusion, and make sure the price increase is levied courteously. Based on this, the base price can be at cost, which should be well below what a customer could expect at other restaurants, while still assuring a 66% return. Customers should be drawn by the low prices, combined with the assurance that it's unlikely that this price hike will happen to THEM, but rather some other poor schmoe.

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