Ted (merovingian) wrote,
Ted
merovingian

George Washington Carver

It turns out he never died. He knocked on my door this morning as I was getting ready for work. He looked old, but had that kind of unshaky glow that led me to believe he still had plenty of life in him. He was wearing an old blue-green suit, and had a high-pitched voice.

"I thought you died on January 5, 1943, of anemia!" I exclaimed instinctively.

"Far from it. I discovered a cure for anemia, from a sweet potato, the October before. But MAJESTIC-12 was getting scared. Two men in suits came to my door, and told me that either I go underground, and stop publishing, or they'd take action against me."

"Um, please, come inside. Can I offer you some pancakes?"

"No, no thank you. I have a dermal layer of peanut proteins. I can synthesize glucose from the sunlight just fine."

He sat down, and complimented my upholstery.

"Why were they so scared of you?"

"Well, they were frightened I'd discover the elixir of immortality."

"In peanuts? Doesn't that seem ridiculous?"

"They were completely correct. Two years after I faked my death, my continued research led me to it."

"From peanuts?"

"Yes, from peanuts. But it didn't have to be."

"I'm afraid I'm lost, George."

"The elixir is omnipresent. If you study any subject for long enough, the patterns will begin to emerge, and if you continue to advance and apply these patterns, you'll find answers to whatever you need to know. I found it in the peanut. Ben Franklin insists he found the same elixir from raising turkeys, but he was drunk off his gourd when he told me that last week. Annie Oakley says she managed the same thing with marksmanship."

"Um, that's quite a lot to handle. Any obsessive and famous application of skill will lead to comprehension of a totality?"

"If you want to put it that way, sure. I just think of it in plainer terms. The elixir of immortality can be extracted from the peanut."

"Okay, but what about all the obsessed people who don't fake their deaths and attain immortality, and just, you know, are obsessed?"

"They didn't look hard enough."

"George, you're starting to scare me. So, why did Majestic-12 come after you, to try to stop you from discovering this wonderful elixir?"

"Truman was just Vice President then. Vice President's a boring job. He needed something to do."

"Okay, um, I see. So how do I fit into all of this, George?"

"Actually, you don't."

"Then why are you here?"

"I just wanted to get directions to the freeway."
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