Ted (merovingian) wrote,

Chicken Soup for the Suckah M.C.'s Soul

Here's how an apology works:

1. Nestled in the brain, between the Wernicke's Area and the limbic system, is the thalamo-culpatory node. It ties emotional responses of condolence, regret and contriteness in with the language center. If one attempts to deliver an apology without sincerely meaning it, the thalamo-culpatory node over-fires, and the resulting electrical activity causes fires, and smoke to form out of the ears.

2. We are being judged as a species. Every wrongdoing we perform is observed from the Pluto observatory, and is recorded for later reckoning. When an apology is offered and accepted, the wrongdoing is marked as closed, de-immanentizing the eschaton.

3. Crickets chirp.

4. The words for apologies are no coincidence. They are secret names. The observatory on Pluto is designed to hear them.

5. Each time an apology is rendered, on the opposite side of the globe, someone claps their hands. The converse is also true.

6. A person may be declared king for one day, then sacrificed. This renders the human sacrifice more valuable - a king is being offered in exchange for better crops, even if it is only a proxy king ("King of the Bean"). Similarly, one can treat a pebble like a bouquet of flowers for a day, watering and tending it, then offer it as a gift of apology. Flowers of the Bean.

7. When hearing an apology, you have three choices: to accept the apology (sincerely or not), to avoid accepting the apology (sincerely or not), or Option Z. Most people are not aware of Option Z, and those who know about it are afraid to try it. No one is quite sure what will happen if someone chooses Option Z.

8. Miss Manners has been conspicuously silent on the topic of Option Z.

9. Sometimes, there is a packet mismatch error between apology and acceptance. If this occurs, and is not corrected, both parties in the apology may become corrupted on a fundamental level, and melt into sludge within six hours. While this is fairly rare, it's still often a good idea to apologize two or three times for the same thing, to preserve parity.

10. No matter the final result, everyone involved in the apology is now about ten seconds older.
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