Ted (merovingian) wrote,
Ted
merovingian

Hey Mister, Can You Spare A Dimetrodon

Crimes I have committed in the past year:

1. Littering
The park near my house has far too many street entertainers. They play the guitar in psychedelic hats, or juggle rubber chickens, or perform acrobatic feats of calculus in skintight outfits. Eventually, I discovered that the only way to keep them at bay was to toss a handful of glass beads onto the ground - the street performers had no choice but to stop and count the beads.

2. Breaking and Entering
Every day back in January, I went to the harbor to feed the seagulls. One time, a seagull gave me a look that said, "Hey, these bread crumbs are great and all, but what I really need is a car key." I tossed the car key to the seagull and it flew off. I saw the bird give the key to a grey-bearded man in a ragged overcoat, so I followed him to his Victorian gingerbread house and got my key back. The gulls watched me the whole time.

3. Clipping
It's not a common crime these days, but it used to be a social problem. Take a coin of a precious metal with a standardized weight, clip off edges so it still looks like the same coin, then use those clipped edges to make new coins. With the dawn of paper money, it became meaningless. But, last December, the U.S. Treasury issued their new top-end Californium coins to a secret and limited market, and, well, the rest is obvious.

4. Murder, Ninth Degree
A rarely-prosecuted crime. I have a habit of saying "Nucular" instead of "Nuclear" as a form of social violence. I did this three weeks ago and starting thinking about it. While I was thinking, I stumbled and stepped in the prize-winning tulip garden of Evangeline Prastow. Two days later, she entered into a flower show without her treasured "Midnight Ivory" tulip, and, as a result, did not win a trip to Holland. Her brother Chet, in Amsterdam, has no driver's license, and generally whenever she is in town, Evangeline is happy to drive Chet around. Since she wasn't there, though, Chet was on foot, and as a result, was unable to drive over to his friend Odet's house. He was planning to talk Odet out of her plan to join the circus the next morning. Odet was eaten by an albino tiger on her first day. The court ruled that, while the link was quite tenuous, intentional saying "Nucular" was such a malicious and improper act that the crime would be prosecuted. I was sentenced to thirty-five seconds in jail, but I got out in nine seconds because of good behavior.

5. Copyright Infringment
I had "Walk Like An Egyptian" by the Bangles stuck in my head for so long that they sued. Technically, that's a tort, not a crime. Work with me.

6. Impersonating a Mailman
I was fleeing from an ape, and that was the only way I knew to keep myself safe.
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